the rules nobody wrote down
Community rules. Twelve we're done with.
Every community runs on rules. Some are written on a sign by the pool. The ones that hurt mothers most are never written anywhere. We name them out loud, and write truer ones together.
What are community rules?
Community rules are the shared expectations that tell people how to behave in a group: a neighborhood, a school, a workplace, a congregation. Written rules keep things safe and fair. Unwritten rules decide who belongs and who has to work twice as hard to.
Examples of community rules mothers hear.
- Good mothers don't miss the school play.
- A gap on your résumé needs an apology.
- Asking for help means you can't handle it.
- Part-time means you should be grateful.
- Your ambition comes after everyone else's schedule.
Common community rules that are hard to follow.
Some rules are impossible because they contradict each other: work like you don't have kids, parent like you don't have a job. When a rule can't be followed by anyone, it isn't a standard. It's a trap. That's the kind we rewrite.
What we do about them.
- We name the rule out loud, word for word.
- We say the truer one underneath it.
- You put one date on one step of your own.
Questions, answered.
- What are some good rules for a community?
- Good rules protect everyone equally, can actually be followed, and are written down so newcomers know them. The rules we burn fail at least one of those.
- What are community rules often called?
- Community guidelines, community standards, bylaws, or codes of conduct. Unwritten ones are called norms.
- Can I suggest a rule?
- Yes. Write to us at megan@bigmotherenergy.com and tell us what you're up against.
- What are your own community rules?
- We keep them short. Read our community guidelines.